i got out of bed at 3, ate once, and showered today

small victories

daily song is Pain by Three Days Grace

also i have hit a new low, didnt get out of bed until 4pm, didnt shower, didnt eat. killin it

song of the day is Ugly by The Exies

me_irl

guess i should go and sleep and by sleep i mean sadly stare at my computer screen aimlessly for another few hours

sorry to rant like this im sure nobody wants to see but im attention seeking i guess

Maybe I should just quit trying.

i was stupid to think this would help.

i dont even know what the point of all this is

until suddenly its finished and i realize there was never a solution to begin with

its like theres pieces that you need to put together to live a fulfilling life and a piece was lost when i got my puzzle and it doesnt matter how good i am at solving this puzzle its just never gonna complete and im always going to be confused why theres a hole there

reading conversations between you guys on skype with pretty much nothing of substance to add

i'll stare at my large pile of games and just shrug and go back to staring at my screen for hours on end

even playing video games has become less and less frequent for me

but outside of that i fail to find a reason to get out of bed, a lot of the times i dont get up until 4 or 5 pm, and with nothing to even accomplish when i get up

im still too afraid of the consequences of failure to not pull myself out of bed for classes and barely scrape by doing the bare minimum for homework

i went from sleeping from like 1am-11am to 5am-3pm and literally barely being able to pull myself out of bed at all

i downloaded a sleep app and as i look at it i just see the time i go to bed slipping later and later, same with waking up

im barely dragging myself into bed at night and out of bed in the morning

im just frustrated with a lot of things but mainly myself

but this isnt 5 years this is now and i dont know how im going to get through this with my emotions intact

im probably just a stupid kid going through a stupid phase that im going to look back on in 5 years and be like 'wow i sure was a little emo brat back then wasting my opportunities and nice cushy life'

i just need to write this stuff down i guess and writing in a word doc to stare at seems so pointless and isolated

im never gonna be able to do anything stupid like commit suicide or anything like that because i even lack to motivation to go through that effort so dont worry i guess this isnt like a call for help or anything

i lack the basic social capacity to talk to people and make friends irl and i lack the courage to talk to a therapist