Oh man, I managed to find the time to write six things in my day off! If only I could also fit making mildly xenophobic joke accounts into my schedule, then I'm sure I'd lead a more fulfilling life.
someone has too much time on their hands
127. Creepy Girl
Backstory: Lucid was very satisfied with his idea of making a zombie role, but realized his Halloween special wouldn't be RADICAL enough unless he introduced more new roles. He giggled like an elementary schoolgirl as he thought of how happy everyone was going to be! He happened to be Skyping with his parents right then, and his mom said, "Oh my, your giggle sure is scary, lucid-chan!". Lucid put two and two together, and this horrible role was born.
"Lucid-chan, are you still there?"
"oh yeah mom soz i was on epicmafia dot com lol"
His parents faked a faint smile.
Creepy Girl is a poop-tier role for so many reasons. The biggest offense is the lucky Night 1 win, of course, but there's many more reasons. If whoever has the doll vegs/suicides, which happens a lot because this is Sandbox, Creepy Girl becomes 100% useless. However, the core problem with this role is how Creepy Girl actually has very little to do with whether she wins or not. Since the other players are passing around the doll and not her, she just sits back and watches, crossing her fingers anxiously and eating bear gummies.
Creepy Girl is higher than the other roles because some SEMBLANCE of fun can be had due to the doll, making people impossible to lynch or kill. But the fact she's unattached from this makes her ultimately a device more than a role.
Verdict: If there was an EM camp, the scary stories told around the fire would be about Creepy Girl's N1 wins. I'm glad lucid changed the role's name from "Creepygirl" to "Creepy Girl" though.
tl;dr: creepy girl is the stuff of nightmares, it's true
128. Autocrat
Backstory: Lucid looked at mastermind. He then looked at the village. The room darkened, with only a dim flashlight under his chin, as he cracked his fingers and smiled. He called his secretary and whispered, "You can cancel the order for a torture device. I have something much, much worse".
"Uhh I think you have the wrong number", said the person on the other end.
"oh lol soz", replied Lucid, hanging up. He buried his head in his hands before wondering if the woman had called the police.
Autocrat, better known as the Autocrap, is another of those roles that exist because they had been programmed for one side already, so why not make a counterpart? Unfortunately, it's terrible. I'm actually surprised Sandbox was so utterly repulsed by this role, every setup decided to leave it out and make as it never existed. It sometimes shows up that setup with like a million third-parties, and even then everyone hates it.
Verdict: Autocrat is so bad, he doesn't even get invited to the party host's parties. He's that jerk that bullies you, but that you invite to your birthday party anyway because your whole class has to be invited. He then proceeds to eat the cookies your mom baked for the guests and takes all the leftovers home. Screw this guy.
tl;dr: if you like autocrat you probably were the previously described jerk kid.
I hope all of the reviews are negative like these
129. Siren
Backstory: The siren was one day being badass in the Odyssey, singing in Nowhereland and stuff. Lucid thought it'd be a great idea to recruit her, thinking of all the creative ways the singing could be incorporated to the game. Unfortunately, the siren asked for fat bucks, and Lucid's Google Ads weren't enough to cover it up. He instead hired some idiot dressed as a siren and called it a day.
I have literally never seen this role win without a previous agreement by the involved parties. I have tried to think of ways in which the siren could be improved, but truth is, it will forever blow. It's like a player-specific interceptor. But it's not like ceptor who can kill anyone, she also has to guess WHO visits her. Everyone complaining about how hard it is to win as alien forgets the elephant in the room.
Verdict: she's pretty but she ain't prettier than muh doritos m'siren
tl;dr: I've seen more people beat Battletoads than win as Siren.
i love you whispy i'm so glad you're still ranking things
I can't wait either!
130. Lightkeeper
Backstory: Lightkeepers were the dudes that turned on the lights in a village at night. I assume Mafiaville is some depressing craphole somewhere in Soviet-era Russia, since they need the dude to turn on the lights during the day. Either that, or Mafiaville is actually an underground bunker. I prefer to believe that upon the lightkeeper's death, he summons the Blindfold Fairy, who blindfolds everyone for funsies. Many laughs are had.
Lightkeeper in Sandbox, in a nutshell:
Step 1: Claim virgin as lightkeeper.
Step 2: Giggle and leave the game.
Step 3: The village spends the entire next day shouting unfunny stuff at each other. Ten racial slurs and a few spammers guaranteed or take your money back. Mafia makes up reports and no one cares.
Step 4: Some trolls stall the day forever because they are busy having a flashback to middle school.
Step 5: The day is further stalled by a bunch of vegetables-to-be.
Step 6: it's been ten minutes and oh god why the hell is this still going
Optional Step 7: Someone ragequits and suicides. Game breaks. Memes.
Step 8: You'll wish you got your ten minutes of life back when you're laying on your deathbed. A swift, barely discernible smirk will be drawn to your face as you remember the guy that spammed a fake detective report. Then you die.
Verdict: This role is poop, and you're poop if you like it.
tl;dr: lightkeeper's parents never loved him
I can't wait for the next ten pages of posts each individually containing a small novel
131. Zombie
Backstory: Our lord and savior lucidrains looked at the amount of dead accounts on the site, and a single tear poured down his cheek. "If only I could revive them..." he thought to himself, wishing for his beloved site to reach the popularity he thought it deserved. He thought zombies would be the second-best alternative. He was wrong.
Much like clockmaker, zombie is a poop-tier role that exists because people were crying about cult being too hard. Wait, no one was complaining about that. Scratch that. Zombie exists because lucid wanted to add roles on Halloween like two years ago and did not make sure the roles were good enough before green lighting them. People rejoiced for about ten minutes before they realized the horror.
Zombie has the distinction of being unanimously despised and recognized as broken. Unless the setup is specifically made with like three doctors minimum, zombies *will* win. There are a few cases in which a miracle happens and zombies get wiped out early on thanks to lucky killer roles or guns, but nine out of ten times, zombies will win. It's just a really boring role to play as or against. Unless mafia kills the person bitten, it's a lost cause, and the zombie hunt pointlessly continues without mercy. Oh, and you can't talk in zombie meetings. "lol"
I reaaally don't like roles that are basically better versions of others. Zombie is cult, except there's no leader, masons don't kill them and they take longer to convert, which makes it easier for them to stay alive.
Verdict: There are specific setups with multiple doctors and quacks and whatever the hell else in which zombies are somewhat alright. Nobody makes them, though, because just the idea of zombies sends shivers down our spines. At least everyone realized this and it's not traditionally included in the 12-person closed setup.
tl;dr: zombie is cult on easy mode and it's bad
.-=# They shoot you for roles like these in Texas TIER =#-.
132. Clockmaker
Backstory: The clockmaker was making clocks like a normal clockmaker until he realized his clocks had been cursed by lucid. He learned the time could only move forward if he killed people. He swore to himself, for the sake of humanity, to kill people so the clocks would show the right time. What a noble man.
It was admittedly difficult to pick between all the poop-tier roles for one to win the special "you absolutely blow" recognition that is carried by the last place, but there was little doubt in my mind that Clockmaker, affectionately called "Cockrider", would take it. Hint: It's called like that because it sucks. Sucks, get it? Ha ha.
Clockmaker exists for the sole purpose of shutting up everyone that was crying about killer being too hard. Problem is that Clockmaker is broken as hell. Not only can it win on N1 (and it does quite frequently, to everyone's frustration), but it can win by getting the right time on the clock or just by living to the end, much like the killer. He can comfortably joint with mafia as well. However, Clockmaker really drops all the way down here due to the ridiculous "extra life" idea, which I still cannot comprehend why it exists. Even worse, if Clockmaker is converted, it carries over its extra life, further breaking the game.
Verdict: Clockmaker needs to be removed from existence. Once done, our memories must be wiped so we all forget this role ever existed in the first place. A big organization will take care of deleting every last record of the clockmaker off the Internet and our personal homes. One day, peace will come back to Sandbox.
tl;dr: clockmaker is killer on easy mode and it's bad
